Right to Chose, a carbon credit

The Supreme Court has recently ruled by a 5 to 4 decision that Carbon Dioxide is now a pollutant. Carbon Dioxide, the principal gas emitted by SUVs, Priuses, Al Gore, and the spotted salamander, is a pollutant. The inconvenient truth is that Al Gore is right, we are destroying the planet, one carbon dioxide laden breath at a time and we need to stop this before it’s too late! The decision by the nation’s highest court means that, by it’s mere existence, all oxygen inhaling life is guilty of polluting the planet as it is carbon dioxide exhaling. And this is propelling us toward an eventual planetary inferno at the alarming rate of 0.3 (zero point 3) degrees increase in the past 100 years! Al Gore said our ‘planet has a fever”. Now I know that assuming that Mr Gore is not ill, his temperature taken by the less reliable oral thermometer should be 98.6 F. But i still am uncertain what the correct earth temperature should be? And how does one measure it? Should the thermometer readings be done in Central Park or along the East River? How many readings across the globe should we take? Are those readings taken in the same places as the ones from a 100 years ago? Were thermometer readings 100 years ago as reliable as today’s? Enquiring minds want to know.
Anyway i digress.....

The facts are undeniable. Human activity is contributing an alarming 4% of the global Carbon Dioxide emissions. (A mere 96% of the worlds C02 comes from non human sources like endangered cuddly polar bears and decomposing plant matter.) The blame America first crowd can take pride in knowing that the Imperialist United States is responsible for contributing staggering 1% of the global CO2 output.

So how do we save our planet from expiring, from all the exhaling?
Although eliminating our own lives would be ideal, Al Gore believes that Carbon credits may hold a solution. Most of us who aren’t that relevant should forgo emitting carbon dioxide. You and I will no longer drive cars and we’ll obtain special exception government permits to walk briskly only when absolutely necessary. The CO2 we consequently wont generate results in net credits. These carbon credits can then be used by important people who need to keep driving, flying and barbecuing. For instance John Travolta, needs 5 personal jets as he is an esteemed celebrity and needs to fly the globe for his acting career. So Mr. Travolta could keep flying guilt free, without any net impact to the planet cause he is counting on you and I to give up our lifestyles. Just one of Al Gore’s homes uses 20x the amount of energy of the average American house. But that’s OK, cause Mr. Gore ‘offsets’ his pollution by purchasing “carbon credits” from a company that he owns. In turn someone will plant some acorns or something to mop up that carbon dioxide. The purchasing of carbon credits doesn’t really reduce the overall carbon dioxide emissions, but it basically says, Al Gore gets to live the life he always has, cause someone else is forgoing theirs. And that’s the point. We are not all as fortunate to actually own our own carbon credit company. So how do we plebes become environmental leaders like Al, and save the planet from ourselves? First and foremost by generating our own Constitutionally sanctioned carbon credits. You see Roe vs Wade, is now more important than ever. In a sense this right should be elevated to a duty. We need to encourage a woman’s right to chose, a carbon credit. This will provide a vast untapped renewable resource of carbon offsets. It may seem drastic but think of it. It takes the all important left wing holy grail, the abortion, and raises it to a matter of global survival. Because there are some 4,000 abortions each and every day to sea to shinning sea. Women choosing to terminate their pregnancies, can now skip the guilt and bask in feelings of environmental empowerment. Now women can use their own power of choice to preemptively abort countless tons of carbon emissions that each non-born will now never generate! The new argument for having an abortion can be to save the life of the mother earth. If women across the United States stand up for their right to chose,(the carbon credit) (patriotic indeed) we can generate enough carbon offsets for Al Gore, and the left to continue living their limousine liberal lifestyle. And the rest of us can die off while taking care not to exhale too much carbon dioxide in the process.